


The Memory of Touch

by gluedwithgold



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Don't Blame Me If You Cry, Ghost Jensen, Ghost Sex, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad, Seriously It's Angsty and Sad, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-28 09:51:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15704835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluedwithgold/pseuds/gluedwithgold
Summary: Jensen unexpectedly died in a car crash, leaving Jared alone and unsure how to function. But how can Jared still feel him?





	The Memory of Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to [dugindeep (hotsauce)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotsauce) and [non_tiembo_mala](http://archiveofourown.org/users/non_tiembo_mala) for beta reading, and as always all the support and love! <3
> 
> Written for [Sunday Morning Porn Club](http://smpc.livejournal.com/) on LiveJournal.

It had been a week since the funeral, and the bed still felt vast and empty without Jensen in it. Jared wound up sleeping on the couch most nights, but tonight he was trying the bed again. 

He rolled over and looked at the red numbers of the clock on the nightstand. 

2:34 a.m. 

He sighed, sat up, and swung his legs over the edge of the mattress. Maybe a few pulls from that bottle of whiskey would be enough to help him drift off to sleep. 

Just as Jared was standing, he heard a rattle from the closet. Glancing at the corner of the room, he could see Sadie, curled up in her bed, so he knew it wasn’t her. 

The rattle sounded again, louder this time. Sadie picked up her head, ears tilting forward, and stared at the closet. Jared took a deep breath before stepping forward. He hadn’t opened that door since Jensen…. All of his clothes were in there, even the dirty ones, which Jared had shoved in the closet to avoid seeing and needing to deal with. 

He stepped across the room, reached out to the doorknob, and the rattle came again. Closer now, he could hear it better, like the plastic hangers on the rod clanking together. He wrapped his fingers around the knob and twisted, the door sweeping open, and pulled the string on the light fixture. There was nothing there, nothing but Jensen’s clothes – shirts and pants hung neatly and the small pile of dirty clothes on the floor in a heap on top of his shoes. 

Jared swallowed thickly as the pain in his heart ramped up, seeing Jensen’s favorite hoodie on top of the pile, looking like he’d just taken it off a few hours ago. But he hadn’t, Jensen hadn’t been there for over a week now. The surreal phone call from the hospital replayed in Jared’s head, the doctor’s words echoing in his mind – “we did everything we could, but…” – and then the images started flooding in. They were only imagined, yet still too real, Jensen’s car careening off the road, the big rig swerving back into its own lane….

He shook his head to clear the thoughts, push them back down and out and away before they took over again. Then, looking up, Jared noticed the four or five empty hangers swinging gently on the closet rod. He stepped closer to peer into the closet, down the length of the rod, and at the shelves, but there was nothing there. He kicked at the pile of clothes and still nothing. 

Jared shrugged as he turned off the light. Either there was a mouse in there or he was just sleep-deprived enough that his mind was playing tricks on him. He pushed the door closed, but the sleeve of that black zip-up hoodie was in the way, so he reached down and picked it up. 

He was instantly flooded with Jensen’s scent – his soap and cologne, a tinge of mint from the gum he constantly chewed. Underneath all that, faint but definitely there, was the scent of Jensen himself – his sweat, his skin, just… him. 

Tears flowed from Jared’s eyes as he brought the sweatshirt up to his face and inhaled deeply. 

He could  _ feel  _ Jensen. 

Not just remember, he could feel him, physically. His strong arms wrapped around Jared’s shoulders, his chest pressed against Jared’s back, the heat seeping from him into Jared’s skin. His breath, light and warm on Jared’s neck, as he could  _ hear  _ the soft, whispered ‘ _ I love you, Jared _ ’.... 

 

***

 

It was after ten the next morning when Jared woke up, curled up in the bed with the sun streaming through the window, warm where it hit his back. As he stretched and pulled his arms out from under the comforter, reaching up over his head, Jared noticed the crumpled up sweatshirt on the bed. Jensen’s sweatshirt. That he’d apparently slept with after his breakdown in the middle of the night. 

He picked up the shirt and brought it to his nose. Again, he was overwhelmed with the feeling of Jensen, this time the sensation of his fingers tucking Jared’s hair behind his ear the way he did on lazy weekend mornings, a soft smile on his face, his eyes full of love. Jared’s eyes welled up with tears again. Yet, that time, around the sadness, he felt comfort. The sense that, no matter what happened or how much time passed, he would always have Jensen with him, always feel his love. Jared neatly folded up the sweatshirt and set it on Jensen’s pillow, then got up and headed to the kitchen to start his day. 

 

***

 

That night, for the first time in over a week, Jared didn’t dread going to bed. Shortly past eleven, he walked into the bedroom after having brushed his teeth and stripped down to his boxers before slipping under the covers. 

After wriggling around to get comfortable, he reached over and took the sweatshirt from Jensen’s pillow, cradling it to his chest and breathing out a long, slow sigh as he relaxed into the mattress. 

As his eyes drifted closed and the scent from the sweatshirt wafted over him, he again felt Jensen. Now, he felt a gentle kiss at the center of his forehead, lips warm and moist, but not wet, the sensation soothing. Then it was Jensen’s hand, sliding from Jared’s shoulder down over his arm, fingers pressing with light pressure as they made their way over Jared’s skin and down to his hip. 

Jared let out a tiny whimper as the hand clenched, gripping at his hip, just like Jensen used to do. No matter where they were – in bed, cleaning the kitchen, walking down the street – that grip to Jared’s hip was a constant gesture. It meant ‘I’m here, I love you, I want you’ all at once. It was a touchstone for both of them, something they’d shared hundreds of times over the years. 

Jared had been so sure he’d never feel it again. 

 

***

 

The full moon streamed through the blinds, casting an ethereal light in the bedroom. Jared had been sleeping soundly, until a warmth and movement roused him. Or… Jared thought he’d woken up. 

He could feel Jensen tucked up against his back, his hips rolling slowly against Jared’s ass. Could feel Jensen’s cock, thick and hard, pressing against his cheeks. Jared hummed, pleased at the sensation, and then Jensen’s lips were at Jared’s neck, sucking and nipping at that one spot that always made Jared shiver with pleasure. 

Jared’s dick was hard now, too, and straining against the fabric of his boxers. He reached down and tugged at them, lifting his hips off the bed to slide them down and off, catching them with a toe to flick the boxers down to the floor. Jensen was back in an instant, pressed tight against Jared, his cock sliding between Jared’s legs. Jared lifted one leg up, bending it at the knee to open himself up to Jensen, and the next moment he was rewarded with the slow drag of the head of Jensen’s dick, hot and leaking, sliding over his hole. Jared shuddered, rolled his hips back against Jensen and moaned. 

Jensen’s hand slid over Jared’s waist then, down his stomach to his cock, fingers wrapping around the shaft and drawing up slowly, teasing. Jared pressed back with his hips again, urging Jensen to resume thrusting. And Jensen did, pressing forward until his dick caught on the edge of Jared’s hole and Jared was filled with want and need, craving that feeling of being full. 

Jared reached back with one hand, needing to feel Jensen, to grab onto him, pull him closer still, but – there was nothing there. 

Jared gasped and turned his head, looking behind him as his memory flooded back, remembering that Jensen  _ wasn’t  _ there, would never  _ be  _ there again. His stomach flipped, roiling in spirals as his grief mixed with his desire.  

Then he felt it again – Jensen’s hand, gripping and squeezing his hip. And he heard it right next to his ear, a whispery little  _ ‘shhhhh’ _ . And the thrusting of Jensen’s cock against Jared’s ass started again, along with the stroking of his hand up and down Jared’s dick. It was quicker now, as if Jensen was desperate to make Jared feel good, desperate to make him forget his pain, to make Jared believe this was happening. 

There was a pressure at Jared’s hole, Jensen’s cock pressing inside – there had been no prep, no lube, but Jared’s body seemed to simply open to him, let him in – and there was no pain, no drag, just the smooth slide in until Jensen was fully seated inside of Jared, filling him. 

Jensen started thrusting then, dragging his cock out nearly all the way and plunging back in, sliding over Jared’s prostate and sending jolts of electric pleasure through his body and out his mouth in moans and guttural grunts. Jensen picked up the speed of his thrusts quickly, his hand still wrapped firmly around Jared’s cock as he fucked him, the motion giving just enough friction that Jared was on the edge of coming in just minutes. 

In the back of Jared’s mind there was the logical voice that said, emphatically, none of this was real. But his body wasn’t listening. His body was fully wrapped in euphoric sensations, Jensen’s cock slamming into his ass, hitting his prostate on every inward pass, Jensen’s hand gripping Jared’s dick with the perfect amount of pressure, his thumb slipping over the slit, the motion slick with his precome. And Jared just – didn’t care. Real or not, he was living through every bit of it and it felt too good, so he let go, let those thoughts slip away and just let Jensen fuck him. 

Jared could feel the spring coil tighten in his center, threatening to let loose any second, and his mind flashed on Jensen’s face, his smile, the way his green eyes lit up and the corners crinkled when he laughed. The feel of his breath on Jared’s face when they kissed, their lips pressed tight together, tongues tangling. And Jensen kept slamming his cock in and out of Jared’s ass, his fist tightening around Jared’s cock, and then Jared was coming. A low, drawn out moan slipped from his mouth as he spilled over Jensen’s hand, his body clenching around Jensen’s cock with wave after wave of pleasure pulsing through Jared. 

After a few moments, his orgasm began to subside, limbs relaxing back down to the bed. There was a light sheen of sweat covering his skin, and Jared’s chest was pounding, his breath coming in quick, short bursts. He let his eyes close as he basked in the aftershocks, all of his nerves tingling as he drifted back to sleep. 

 

***

 

Jared woke feeling rested, his limbs loose and his mind clear. 

He had no trouble remembering the events of the previous night. There was that telltale sticky spot on the sheet and a slight ache in his ass that told him it had all been – impossibly – real. 

He had never thought much about whether or not he believed in an afterlife, whether ghosts were real. And he supposed, as he lay there in his bed feeling content and happy, that it still didn’t matter. Whether Jensen had come back, was a ghost trapped here in the physical plane, or it was all a vivid figment of Jared’s grief-stricken imagination, it just didn’t matter. 

Jared could feel Jensen – his body, his warmth, his love – and that’s all he needed right now. 

After lazing in bed for a few more minutes, Jared finally got up, threw on a pair of sweatpants, and made his way out to the kitchen. 

The coffee maker was steaming, full of a fresh pot of dark brew. And there, draped on the back of the chair Jensen always sat in, was the black, zip-up hoodie that had been Jensen’s favorite. Jared was sure it had still been in the bedroom, he hadn’t moved it since folding it up and setting it on Jensen’s side of the bed. 

After staring at the hoodie for a long moment, Jared shrugged and walked over to the cupboards. He poured two mugs of coffee, then sat down at the table, placing one in front of Jensen’s chair. 

As he lifted his own mug, Jared heard, whispered in his ear, “ _ I love you, Jared. _ ” 


End file.
